I am pretty much bi polar. It manifests itself in different ways, and because I am such an extreme personality, the hardest part is finding where I end, and the bi polar begins. I can alternate through 5 emotions every 15 minutes for a whole day. Its fucking exhausting, not just for me personally, but for the people around me. I guess that's why I tend to drink so much, or hide in my room. I get genuinely hateful sometimes. Even if I am happy all day long, it can take one thing to just flip my switch and turn me hateful. And I don't enjoy being mean, so I will just go and hide, and wait for it to go away. But now the closest thing to escaping I have is hiding behind a curtain. I knew this was the situation I was walking into, but sometimes it just drives me crazy.
I mean, its almost hilarious, because I think the biggest qualm for me is just not having a door. I didn't have a door until I was 17, and since then, I have always had a door. The door is almost as symbolic as it is physical. A way to close everything out, to trap what ever demon I am fighting with in. Not having one is a loss of control, and as someone who has worked very, very hard to have control of my life, losing that small piece of control pushes a button sometimes. I'm not even going to downplay this by calling it "silly" or "trivial", because to a bi polar person, those are exactly the things that fuck with your head, the minute or seemingly insignificant.
I guess its as close to jealousy as I allow myself to get. Wait, I take that back, now that I have reviewed the actual definition, I am not jealous at all. I am bitter. Which is of no surprise, since I am a self professed bitter person. I guess it just hurts my feelings to be bitter about the happiness of my best friends. I feel like an extra in my own house. I have arranged my space to be so beautiful and I like it, but the living room is two steps away and I can hear everything that goes on there. And the roomies pretty much hang out there all the time. Which is how it is supposed to be, if they were in their room all the time, I would probably complain about that shit. I need to get over the need to hide. Even though half the time I do it for the benefit of others as much as for myself. No one should have to see me or deal with me like this.
The worst part is that the people I live with, who love me, and do their god honest best to deal with the erratic creature that lives near the kitchen, probably don't even realize what sets me off, and I don't know how to explain it. Eh, but since they both read this, I guess they know now. They are happy, and they fucking deserve it. I guess I just can't envision such simple happiness like that for myself and it makes me bitter. We are a family, they have never treated me like anything else, even though I am a pain in the ass, but I feel like I am watching it all from outside an aquarium sometimes. Never alone, yet lonely all the time. And I don't want any of you to think this was a passive aggressive way of talking about it, I guess I just don't know how to deal with it myself, so how in the hell am I supposed to walk anyone else through it?
I feel like a fucking pussy sometimes because I know that sometimes I make people feel like they are on eggshells, because lord forbid somebody set me off. This is true at work and in other situations, and its ridiculous, who the fuck do I think I am?? I don't know. I have no idea.
What I do know is, right now I should be high on life with all these new and fortunate opportunities that have been bestowed on me, a great job, money, living in New York with my best friend... and I still feel like I walk around with this rain cloud like Charlie Brown, or more appropriately, Charlie Bronson. I think it was that cloud that I was running from, and I have run, literally, as far as the land would allow, and I am beginning to realize that this cloud is not above my head, it is in my head. How do you destroy your enemy, when it is, in fact yourself? I am closer to 30 than I am to 20 and if I don't figure it out, I will self destruct.
Even now, I feel guilt about saying this, because I have spent so much time assuring you all that I am great and fantastic, and for all intents and purposes, I am. I am safe, I am warm, I am fed, I have a nice apartment, good friends, nice clothes and a future. And I am also realizing that the reason transitions are so easy for me, is because I am detached. Nothing scares me, nothing shocks me, and nothing jars me. I thought that made me brave, but it doesn't. It makes me indifferent.... but I guess I will have to believe Bukowski when he says, "If you are losing your soul and you know it, then you've still got a soul left to lose..." And I hope that none of you worry too much about this, it wasn't my intent. It's just the natural progression into the brutal honesty that I think you all expected from me in the first place.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Friday, April 1, 2011
April Ain't Foolin' Me
I am so happy right now, I could just explode. At first, I must say I was a little jealous of the LA weather and the hot LA things I am missing, Doyer Opening Day, 90 degree bitching, etc... but then I had to stop and take a look at the big picture...
I got to sleep in today because I hired a very good friend of mine to cover me two days a week so I can actually get a day off. I mean, working 50 hours makes me feel all hardcore and all, but gimme a fucking break and a breath please, money ain't everything. So not only do I get days off, but I get to communicate with someone I had lost touch with for years. So "winning" on that move. I roll out of bed around noon and I'm already stoked, I have two "Missed Delivery" slips from the post office I have to go investigate, and I had only a slight idea of who they were from or where they came from. Nothing is better than mystery mail, and you all know it.
I check the weather remembering this huge crazy storm supposedly headed our way, forecast says light rain, 43 degrees, not so great, not so bad. I shower, bundle up and head out. Once you start walking, 43 degrees is not so cold and with a mist on your face it kinda makes you feel like a kid again, hopping and skipping with my scarf waving behind me. I get to the post office and find not one, but TWO packages waiting for me. I will not put on blast who they were from, not because its a secret, but because it was special. Either way, they came from LA and it was the best care package ever, all the things a Jackie could need. New skateboard trucks with NY approved street wheels, chelada mix, comics, stickers and shades. Lets not forget the little "homie". I was beaming like a light bulb, and that was just the beginning.
My roomies and I have complete opposite schedules, we never share a day off, they do, but we never get "family time". Until now. Thursday is the new Saturday. We had been planning for a week to hit up a store in SoHo/Chinatown called "Pearl River", Asian Import Extravaganza. Google that shit and you will see what I mean. Trinkets and toys and lanterns and candles and incense oh my! We wandered wide eyed around the aisles, oohing and aahing over ninja swords, tea light lanterns, 75 cent coconut milk, jade statues, jars, vases, and most important, tapestries and bead curtains. That was the goal of the mission. My room has no doors, which equals no privacy, which means when I sleep in my bed, its like being asleep in the middle of the kitchen. I sleep like the dead, but sometimes, the situation is just annoying.
I have been in my apartment for about a month 1/2 and at a loss as to how I was supposed to build privacy. Well, thanks to a little brainstorming with Sage and Pearl River, it all happened tonight. I bought 6 beaded curtains and 6 hanging tapestries and pretty much built a room out of that and twine. It is beautiful. I have never been more proud of handiwork. I put it together myself and now for the next 11 months, I am really home. This is probably the lamest and most boring blog I will write for the rest of the year. The point is, I was not sad about it not being 95 degrees, I stomped around the streets of NY in the rain and loved it, bought a bunch of beautiful shit for dirt cheap, created a livable space, and now I am going to bed, and I am completely content. If you know The Jackie, you know that is a rarity, I am just excited. I am sure in the next few days I will have some snarky, bitter story for everyone that will definitely be more entertaining.
And, thank every last damn one of you, because I am now over 1000 hits and that is just one more thing for me to be ecstatic about. Enjoy your sunshine LA. I do miss you, but I'm making ya proud..
I got to sleep in today because I hired a very good friend of mine to cover me two days a week so I can actually get a day off. I mean, working 50 hours makes me feel all hardcore and all, but gimme a fucking break and a breath please, money ain't everything. So not only do I get days off, but I get to communicate with someone I had lost touch with for years. So "winning" on that move. I roll out of bed around noon and I'm already stoked, I have two "Missed Delivery" slips from the post office I have to go investigate, and I had only a slight idea of who they were from or where they came from. Nothing is better than mystery mail, and you all know it.
I check the weather remembering this huge crazy storm supposedly headed our way, forecast says light rain, 43 degrees, not so great, not so bad. I shower, bundle up and head out. Once you start walking, 43 degrees is not so cold and with a mist on your face it kinda makes you feel like a kid again, hopping and skipping with my scarf waving behind me. I get to the post office and find not one, but TWO packages waiting for me. I will not put on blast who they were from, not because its a secret, but because it was special. Either way, they came from LA and it was the best care package ever, all the things a Jackie could need. New skateboard trucks with NY approved street wheels, chelada mix, comics, stickers and shades. Lets not forget the little "homie". I was beaming like a light bulb, and that was just the beginning.
My roomies and I have complete opposite schedules, we never share a day off, they do, but we never get "family time". Until now. Thursday is the new Saturday. We had been planning for a week to hit up a store in SoHo/Chinatown called "Pearl River", Asian Import Extravaganza. Google that shit and you will see what I mean. Trinkets and toys and lanterns and candles and incense oh my! We wandered wide eyed around the aisles, oohing and aahing over ninja swords, tea light lanterns, 75 cent coconut milk, jade statues, jars, vases, and most important, tapestries and bead curtains. That was the goal of the mission. My room has no doors, which equals no privacy, which means when I sleep in my bed, its like being asleep in the middle of the kitchen. I sleep like the dead, but sometimes, the situation is just annoying.
I have been in my apartment for about a month 1/2 and at a loss as to how I was supposed to build privacy. Well, thanks to a little brainstorming with Sage and Pearl River, it all happened tonight. I bought 6 beaded curtains and 6 hanging tapestries and pretty much built a room out of that and twine. It is beautiful. I have never been more proud of handiwork. I put it together myself and now for the next 11 months, I am really home. This is probably the lamest and most boring blog I will write for the rest of the year. The point is, I was not sad about it not being 95 degrees, I stomped around the streets of NY in the rain and loved it, bought a bunch of beautiful shit for dirt cheap, created a livable space, and now I am going to bed, and I am completely content. If you know The Jackie, you know that is a rarity, I am just excited. I am sure in the next few days I will have some snarky, bitter story for everyone that will definitely be more entertaining.
And, thank every last damn one of you, because I am now over 1000 hits and that is just one more thing for me to be ecstatic about. Enjoy your sunshine LA. I do miss you, but I'm making ya proud..
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