The Beginning of Good Bye.

So today was the beginning of some difficult goodbyes.  Saying goodbye to a family that you barely discovered was not as easy as I thought it would be.  It brought up so many different emotions, it was hard to sift through them all.

I realized how bitter I am at my dad. I wanted so badly to know him my whole life, and when I found him and got to meet my brothers and my aunt and uncle and cousins, it just made me realize how many people suffered due to the transgressions of my parents.  My mom doesn't get to escape blame, but she had to deal with the bitter hatefulness of a troubled teenage Jackie. And that was enough weight to carry for anyone. 

My dads sister had told me she checked in on me from time to time as I was growing up, and seeing as how she works for LAPD, if you were gonna find me anywhere when I was a teenager, that database was a good place to start. I guess maybe someone had called me in as a runway or something along those lines, and she wondered if she had been around for me to talk to, if it would have changed things.  I wonder the same thing, when I was running and running it would have been so nice to have somewhere else to run other than where I was trying to escape.

I just can't help but wonder what my life would have been like if I had got to experience all of my family as a whole.  I wonder how the general positivity and caring of my Dads side would have affected me in contrast to the harsh humor and cynicism of my Moms family.  I am who I am because of them, but what else could I have been?

  
It was my Pops birthday today, I sat next to him on the couch for a picture and he put his arm around me and hugged me.  It felt so comfortable, and sad, especially in contrast with my other grandfather who, granted I am closer to than anyone else, but he practically loses a part of himself every time he shows a damn emotion other than irritated.  How many hugs did I miss out on? And right when we start getting into the good stuff like that, here I am bouncing to New York.  

It just doesn't seem fair, and how will we ever jam 21 years of stuff into this lifetime? I love them, and its strange, I didn't think it was possible to love people you just met, but my heart knew family from minute one, and I am forever grateful that I even got the chance for our lives to touch. As broken as I will always feel, at least that one part of me is taped back together.

Blizzard Dodger of the 24 1/2 Century...

So I should have technically been in New York right this second...but the blizzard is and I am not.  So what I described just yesterday as almost failure, today I realize is a damn blessing.  I know that I will inevitably have to deal with this "WinterHorrorLand" ...but not right after sleeping in an airport terminal, then stepping off a plane that was probably delayed for 10 hours.  So once again, Mom, thanks for your usually under appreciated intuition, persuasion and under cover guilt tripping. New York will still be there in 10 days
  
Just in the nick of time, I finished my 134 hours of community service.  It looked like it was never gonna end, but ended rather quickly.  I was under the impression that I had one full day left, but was cut some slack by the lady in charge...bittersweet to say the least.  I missed out on a lot of partying with the homies, but was told today by a dozen nursing home residents that I most definitely brightened their days while I was there.  It broke my heart to hear them actually admit that they feel utterly alone and uncared for in that environment, and I helped out just by listening to them and treating them like humans.

They are peoples parents, grandparents, great grandparents. They lived through wars, train hopped during the depression, danced to famous big band orchestras, buried their spouses...and now they live their last days out in a place where they cant even take a shit until the nurse has time. They have kids who couldn't bare the "burden" of a sick family member and shoved em off to a facility that I shit you not, received one out of five stars for quality. I know that I wasn't exactly there for a noble cause, but I learned a noble lesson.  
  
So guys, if you have old people of your own, let em tell you the story of "walking nine miles in the snow, uphill both ways, with only a lard sandwich for lunch..", even if it is the nine hundredth time you heard it, play a game of checkers, shit, talk crap about the neighbors like me and my gramps, but treat em good. Chances are, they wiped your ass when you were a kid, you could repay them by doing the same. 

The countdown begins...

This blog was created and not supposed to be touched until I actually arrived in New York, but as the days count down, some of this transition feels relevant. To me at least, but its my blog, and you're reading it, so we'll pretend its important to you as well.  

My set day of departure was January 27th, but that just was not working out for me and my sanity, so at my moms encouragement, I agreed to push the date to February 8th.  At the time, I felt like changing that date, was literally me failing at New York. I am too much.  It was as if by admitting to myself I needed more time, I wasn't going to meet any of the expectations I had for myself in this huge crazy escapade. Unacceptable.  And kinda delusional and retarded...