The Beginning of Good Bye.

So today was the beginning of some difficult goodbyes.  Saying goodbye to a family that you barely discovered was not as easy as I thought it would be.  It brought up so many different emotions, it was hard to sift through them all.

I realized how bitter I am at my dad. I wanted so badly to know him my whole life, and when I found him and got to meet my brothers and my aunt and uncle and cousins, it just made me realize how many people suffered due to the transgressions of my parents.  My mom doesn't get to escape blame, but she had to deal with the bitter hatefulness of a troubled teenage Jackie. And that was enough weight to carry for anyone. 

My dads sister had told me she checked in on me from time to time as I was growing up, and seeing as how she works for LAPD, if you were gonna find me anywhere when I was a teenager, that database was a good place to start. I guess maybe someone had called me in as a runway or something along those lines, and she wondered if she had been around for me to talk to, if it would have changed things.  I wonder the same thing, when I was running and running it would have been so nice to have somewhere else to run other than where I was trying to escape.

I just can't help but wonder what my life would have been like if I had got to experience all of my family as a whole.  I wonder how the general positivity and caring of my Dads side would have affected me in contrast to the harsh humor and cynicism of my Moms family.  I am who I am because of them, but what else could I have been?

  
It was my Pops birthday today, I sat next to him on the couch for a picture and he put his arm around me and hugged me.  It felt so comfortable, and sad, especially in contrast with my other grandfather who, granted I am closer to than anyone else, but he practically loses a part of himself every time he shows a damn emotion other than irritated.  How many hugs did I miss out on? And right when we start getting into the good stuff like that, here I am bouncing to New York.  

It just doesn't seem fair, and how will we ever jam 21 years of stuff into this lifetime? I love them, and its strange, I didn't think it was possible to love people you just met, but my heart knew family from minute one, and I am forever grateful that I even got the chance for our lives to touch. As broken as I will always feel, at least that one part of me is taped back together.